Thursday, December 20, 2012

Knowing When It's Time to Start Acting like a Grownup

I have this friend. Let’s call him Sam, or “Samus” as he likes to style himself. Sam is a nice guy. The nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. A sweet man. Humble. Kind. Generous. Caring. And also shy, reserved, and reticent.

All of which makes him the biggest butt of a joke on the block.

I’d like to take this opportunity tonight to confess my own transgressions against Sam in the presence of you all and ask his forgiveness for something I once did to him.

Several years ago, for some ungodly reason (okay, I was drunk, and we were at the Lantern), I decided that Sam was too nice, too tender, too...vanilla. He needed some shaking up. As far as I was concerned, he needed a little dash of Worcestershire in his milkshake.

Like I always say, “I prefer my sweetness with a splash of sass.”

So, as I was making my way out of the place to meander my way home, I sidled up to little Samus to say goodnight and instead...dropped trou!

Yep, just whipped ‘em down around my ankles and stood there, my family’s finest flapping in the southern breeze.

Well, Sam nearly died right then and there. Really died. The vodka he’d just swallowed seemed to turn into a rock in his throat. He started gagging. He couldn’t breathe. His face went red. I thought he was having a freaking cardiac event or something.

Oh, Sam, my Samus, I am so heartily sorry for having flummoxed you in such a way.

We reminisced about that night last night. At the Lantern again. With everybody in earshot. I saw no reason to be embarrassed. When you get to a certain age, you find yourself more willing to misbehave; and I view that as a good thing.

Long story short, when it was time for me to leave, I wandered over to Sam to make my last good-nights...and hit him right square between the eyeballs with a great big humongous full moon.

I still can’t believe he wasn’t ready for that! The kid lost it all over again.

Funny thing, though, when I did it, mooned him, I mean, it seems my butt sort of scraped the floor.

I guess reaching a certain age and being willing to misbehave doesn’t always mean you’re going to be able to pull it off.

In a manner of speaking, that is.

Yeah, I think it’s time I start conducting myself in a manner more in line with my current stage in life.

Until I get another chance to say good night to Sam again.


  1. Hilarious! And beautifully told! Speaking for all your fans, it's great to see you getting out at night. More! More! A.

  2. I found it funny. I don't know about Sam.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...