James Franco should focus on finally finishing his education, getting a degree, a good corporate job somewhere in Des Moines, and stop splashing his face all over the place. I'll grant you, he was a cute puppy five years ago, but that was five years ago. In dog years, no less.
Anne Hathaway is beautiful and funny and would probably be a big hit in the kind of bars I frequent (Franco would probably be a hit, too - until he started talking, as I'm sure he would feel compelled to do), but she learned the hard way, and in real time, that holding the attention of an audience is not the same as holding the focus of a camera. A quick question: Do real women really shake their beads? I mean, it's okay for a burlesque- or a drag-queen. With them, it serves a positive purpose. But when she did it, it was manic and desperate, like, "Oh, my God, they're not laughing at those jokes they wrote for me to say. Oh, my God, what do I do? What do I do? Oh, yeah, I can shake my beads."
I'm hearing today that a lot of people were put off by Kirk Douglas's appearance. He was old and kind of decrepit. Yes, he was. Get over it. Getting old and kind of decrepit is what happens to you when you don't die young. You don't accomplish much either. I enjoyed him. He was a trouper. He'd rehearsed his shtick, he knew it, and he pulled it off. Plus, there was something delightfully evil about making five Oscar-nominated women sit and wait and sweat. And sweat. And sweat some more.
I enjoyed the clips of Bob Hope hosting the old Oscar telecasts, proving he was funnier than anybody since then except for maybe Billy Crystal in his heyday. And I liked the kids singing Over the Rainbow at the end of the show. They should have let them sing that Gwyneth Paltrow song.
Other than that, it was a nothing-much show. Everybody won who was supposed to win. Nobody ran across the stage naked. The only goof was Melissa Leo, and I can't help wondering if that particular goof was the big, mouth-wide-open F-word she dropped or the fact that she didn't seem to have too much else to say besides that. Come on, she was going to win. She knew it. She couldn't find a little time alone to jot down some notes? She couldn't recycle?
However - and this is a big "however" - the Oscars are really all about the dresses the women are wearing. So, even though I know absolutely nothing about fashion or even what makes a dress a dress or a skirt a skirt, I intend to paw my way down the red carpet now. You're welcome to join me.
Enough now. I'm spent.
Meanwhile, I can't help wondering how they will ever top this year's ceremony next year.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Ah, but then again ...