Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hire a Hooker

The crime thing down here is getting out of hand. Again. Apparently, all one has to do is walk down any of our city's streets to insure the loss of life or limb or property.

Bobby caught the news late yesterday afternoon and insisted on a "talk" about my safety during my occasional excursions out of the home.

"You have to be careful," he said. "They're jumping people everywhere. There's nowhere safe. I guess you're going out tonight?"

I hadn't planned on doing that, but since he was "opening the door," so to speak, I decided it might be nice to get out for a little bit. I wasn't unduly worried. I would be stepping out in the daylight hours and returning home before it became truly dark.

Yet he had a point, and it was driven home to me when I read a report just this morning about Monday's holdup of the Frenchmen Grocery and Deli in the Faurbourg Marigny. This followed hot on the heels of an earlier holdup at the Candy Bar on Bourbon Street.

The news gave my heart a little shudder. I go to the Frenchmen Grocery. That's where I buy my Community Coffee. I can't always find the Dark Roast or the In-Between Roast any closer to home, and those are the two I like. Hell, if I think about it early enough in the month when my pension check has just hit the bank, I might go coffee-wild and buy a pound of each. I like to mix them up every now and then.

So this robbery hit me where it hurt, or, at least, in a spot that would hold a slight bruise. I could have been there when it all went down.

It got me to thinking, wondering what we, as business people and citizens, can do to protect ourselves in these difficult times. What can we do to assure a police presence in these crime-ridden areas of New Orleans?

Then it came to me.

Hire a hooker!

Now, before you go all freaky on me and start screaming that you don't want to plant such a person at your cash register, hear me out. My suggestion is this: pay a lady of the night to work outside your establishment during your hours of operation. Prop her up outside your door and encourage her to peddle her wares like a hungry whore - pardon my French.

That simple move alone will bring down the full oversight of the NOPD upon your establishment, which, in turn, will deter those people with guns or knives from entering your shop.

At least, consider it. For your own peace of mind.

As for me, I'm taking my own advice to heart. A lovely neighbor of mine here on Decatur Street, Miss Tia Ta'nisha Tenille, has kindly consented to escort me any and everywhere I care to go for the duration of this reign of terror; and all she wants from me in return is a bottomless cup of that Dark Roast she knows I keep in my pantry.

Well, anyway, that's our story.

You're free to come up with your own.

9 comments:

  1. It will be interesting to see what type of web searches your lovely blog will appear,  with the title and all!

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  2. A brilliantly modest proposal! May it Swiftly be enacted.

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  3. Oh, my. I hadn't thought of that. I really hadn't. Oh, well. Traffic!

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  4. You know me, Ted. Simple and to the point - no pun intended.

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  5. a novel idea. i'm thinking how we walked all around, with no sense of jeopardy, and how naive out of towners can be. ignorance can truly be bliss.  

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  6. No, not ignorance. You were protected by a spiritual force of goodness surrounding you, preserving you from harm. That and a husky husband.

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