Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pure Terror

I'm a mess.

That's an understatement. I'm ransacked. Like a house that's been burgled, I'm strewn willy-nilly 'round the room, everything turned inside out.

It's almost time for the new show to open, and I'm feeling helpless as I face the night when I have to let go, let be, and walk away.

I'm feeling paranoid, too, like I'm in certain people's sights with a target on my back, an eight-point buck.

I was driving one of my actors to rehearsal last night and moaning about my troubles.

He said, "You get like this on every show."

"I do?"

"Yep."

"I don't."

"Oh, yeah. Usually worse. You're getting better."

"You think I'm better? Really?"

"Yep."

"That's nice."

All I really want to do is sleep, though.

Wait. Wasn't that what I was doing a few weeks ago when I told my doctor there was something wrong with me?

Is there something always to be wrong with me?

Will I never know contentment?

Where the hell is my bliss?

6 comments:

  1. oh hon, you are an artist. this inner turbulence is part of what makes you want to do art, direct plays, write, take amazing photographs, express yourself, get outside yourself, all of it. the play is your creative child, it may always be this way before you send a child of your mind and heart and sinew out into the world. You have loved this child, and groomed and taught this child, and now you have to trust this child to soar. it's going to be so good! 

    and reading this, i think you are me. except when it's not me going through this, i can see so clearly how it is. thank you for that.

    excited for you! breathe. 

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  2. i've just lost my wallet and am a mess also.  arggghhh!  you're doing what I should be doing and wish i was so go do that voodoo that you do so welllll!

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  3. Can you imagine what I would have done to real flesh-and-blood children?
    ;-)

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  4. Oh, but a lost wallet is the real thing. I wouldn't be able to cope. I'd be dangling right now from a steel beam on the Crescent City Connection.

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  5. Don't worry about those "certain people" you're paranoid about, who cares about them?    Your bliss is just around the corner.      good luck with the performances,    sp

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