Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dear Eastern United States,

As someone who has been there, done that, and even helped design the tee-shirt (and I know after that earthquake, you guys must be down to your last nerves), may I offer some words of encouragement as you prepare to meet Irene on her sweep up the Eastern Seaboard? Thank you.
  • First of all, don't panic. Not yet. You still have time. Stop and think. Decide what you need to save should you have to evacuate. You certainly don't want to leave the expensive stuff, so make sure you leave room in your car for the widescreen TV's, the computers, more than three-days' worth of clothes and underwear, and any kids and pets that might want to tag along. I assure you you will find lodging somewhere along the way that will allow you to board them in the same room with you or, at least, direct you to a kennel.
  • If you have photo albums, take them with you. It's a little thing, but you will miss them if you lose them. 
  • Before you leave, get some plywood and nail it over your windows and your doors. Get some bright, glow-in-the-dark paint and slap messages across the front of your house. Things like, "We have guns, and we're not afraid to use them." Or, "We left the pit bulls and the anaconda inside with not much food."
  • Wherever you might happen to find yourself, you will find that people are kind. As long as you are polite and pitiful and don't stay too long.
  • Once it's all over, and you make your way back, you might meet some people from an outfit called FEMA. They will offer you money. It's okay to take it, but put it in the bank and don't spend it for at least seven years. They have a way of coming back to you later on and telling you you didn't deserve it after all and you have to pay it back. Now. Oh, and if they offer you a trailer, do not get in it. Those things can be more dangerous than the hurricane.
That's pretty much it. Stay safe. Stay strong. Try to get some rest while you're gone, because once you come back, you'll have a lot of work to do rebuilding. But you guys come from strong stock, so I'm not too worried about you.

Y'all take care now, and have a nice day.


  1. oh sage, and to think i knew you when you were but a grasshopper.

  2. Evacuees won't have too much trouble being pitiful  ... but polite and not staying too long, those things aren't necessarily possible.   I was especially looking for "don't stay too long"!!    haha!    sp

  3. LOL, and you still know me now that I am a creaky and crotchety cricket.

  4. Sadly, of course, the length of time away depends on whose been left in charge. Remember, after Gustav, when everybody demanded that Nagin let us back in?

  5. Yes, but I have to say I really hate to be kicked out of town, and not let back in.    after all this time I seriously don't think people appreciate what we have been through.    sp   

  6. Spoken like a native. May God  preserve the steel in our spines.

  7. You seem to have everything covered.  Thanks, Glenn....sharing

  8. I did forget about the water and the canned goods. But ... so what? It's New York.


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