The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country's love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public's insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.
"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.
"Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution." Making toilet paper has a significant impact because of chemicals used in pulp manufacture and cutting down forests.
Personally, I'm not too crazy about future generations looking back and passing judgment on the way I wipe my ass, so I intend to climb onto this nappy-wagon and do my bit. Besides, I like it rough. I prefer my ass to be rubbed a little raw. That way, I have the feeling the job's getting done right.
Just keep me away from those narrow thin rolls like you find in some of the public johns. That stuff's too tiny for my mitts.